So I went to for my official tour of the Labor and Delivery floors at the hospital I will be delivering at. (My unofficial tour was my visit a few weeks ago during that little preterm contraction episode, but I only stayed in the triage area so this evening I went for the complete tour.)

I have to be honest, not much about it was funny, despite the fact that I see humor in almost everything.  Emotional yes, funny, not so much.

When we were sitting in the waiting room before the tour to began, I looked around and realized there were 12 couples – and me.

I am tough.  I am resilient.  I am optimistic.  But none of those traits were enough to prevent me from feeling the one overwhelming feeling that I felt – alone.

Now I know some of you are reading this and saying, “I would have come with you.”  And I thank you for that.  I really do thank you for all the times that you have come with me somewhere.  But even if I brought ten people with me, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that I felt alone.

Seeing the rooms where I will deliver my daughter in a few months, hearing about how the baby always stays with me as long as there aren’t complications, and how right after delivery they put the baby on my chest and encourage us to spend time together, made me so excited to meet her.  I can’t wait to hold her and tell her how much I love her.  And I will explain to her that I loved her long before I had the chance to meet her.

They said that you typically spend an hour or two in the delivery room after you are cleaned up, and they leave you to bond as a family.

When I looked at the excited and nervous anticipation in the faces of all the fathers, I wasn’t jealous, I wasn’t envious, I wasn’t angry.  I was sad.

I am sad.

I just wish things were different, not even so much for me, but for my daughter – and to avoid sharing that side of this with you is dishonest.

Breaking convention is lonely.  Yes, it is also exciting and interesting and brave and bold. And because of all of that, I do get to come up with my own definition of what a family is.  All of which is exciting given that I typically hate convention.  And I have no doubt in my mind that I will love my baby enough for both of us, but some moments are hard, and this was one of them.

Nothing can change that.

So because I am action oriented, please do me a favor.

If you have a supportive partner, someone that has been there for better or worse, when you are done reading this, shut off the computer, or put down the blackberry, or put the iphone away for the night.  Turn to them and please make sure they know how much you love them.  If you are reading this while at work, call them or make sure to tell them as soon as you get home.

I know that when I find the man that will love my daughter and I unconditionally, I won’t ever let the sun set without telling him how thankful I am that he is in my life – and tonight, I really am looking forward to finding that person.

Until then, I will do everything I can to make sure my love is more than enough.  With all of your help of course.

6 Comments

  1. TVYM says: September 17, 2010 • 02:00:16

    Brought tears to my eyes. I grew up with a widowed single mom for part of my life so I can relate in some respects, as the kid in the situation.

    This was my grandma's favorite song and I think about the lyrics often….

    When you walk through a storm
    Hold your head up high
    And don't be afraid of the dark

    At the end of the storm
    Is a golden sky
    And the sweet silver song of the lark

    Walk on through the wind
    Walk on through the rain
    Though your dreams be tossed and blown

    Walk on walk on with hope in your heart
    And you'll never walk alone
    You'll never walk alone

    Warm wishes,
    Julie

    Reply

  2. Meg says: September 16, 2010 • 14:05:31

    This is a really lovely post.

    XO

    Reply

  3. Patti says: September 16, 2010 • 13:01:54

    I think, and FEEL, that our whole existence is about love. Knowing it, finding it and living in it is our challenge as human beings. Believing in it is the key ingredient to finding it. Your sadness Cara is very real but it shows that you BELIEVE. With gratitude and an open heart you will have much love in your life. But like Ducky is teaching you, you sometimes have to wait a while to see what love will look like!!!
    Always, xoxoxox.

    Reply

  4. daughter040 says: September 16, 2010 • 11:59:34

    Cara, i am sooooo sorry that you are sad – but that was yesterday and you got through it all by yourself being the person that you are. today –is a new day and the sun is shining. just remember lulabell loves you unconditionally just as much as i do. and whether or not you are sick of hearing it – everything will be alright. i love you.

    Reply

  5. Jackie says: September 16, 2010 • 03:34:42

    Also just an inspirational quote: We all have to go through the storms to get the rainbows.

    Reply

  6. Jackie says: September 16, 2010 • 03:18:22

    I want to let you know that I am about to cry because of how moving this entry was. And before I turn of my computer and put my phone away for the night I want to let you know that I love you more than you know and you are the best big sister I could ask for.
    Love Your Franny Lur Lur

    Reply

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