So I went to for my official tour of the Labor and Delivery floors at the hospital I will be delivering at. (My unofficial tour was my visit a few weeks ago during that little preterm contraction episode, but I only stayed in the triage area so this evening I went for the complete tour.)
I have to be honest, not much about it was funny, despite the fact that I see humor in almost everything. Emotional yes, funny, not so much.
When we were sitting in the waiting room before the tour to began, I looked around and realized there were 12 couples – and me.
I am tough. I am resilient. I am optimistic. But none of those traits were enough to prevent me from feeling the one overwhelming feeling that I felt – alone.
Now I know some of you are reading this and saying, “I would have come with you.” And I thank you for that. I really do thank you for all the times that you have come with me somewhere. But even if I brought ten people with me, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that I felt alone.
Seeing the rooms where I will deliver my daughter in a few months, hearing about how the baby always stays with me as long as there aren’t complications, and how right after delivery they put the baby on my chest and encourage us to spend time together, made me so excited to meet her. I can’t wait to hold her and tell her how much I love her. And I will explain to her that I loved her long before I had the chance to meet her.
They said that you typically spend an hour or two in the delivery room after you are cleaned up, and they leave you to bond as a family.
When I looked at the excited and nervous anticipation in the faces of all the fathers, I wasn’t jealous, I wasn’t envious, I wasn’t angry. I was sad.
I am sad.
I just wish things were different, not even so much for me, but for my daughter – and to avoid sharing that side of this with you is dishonest.
Breaking convention is lonely. Yes, it is also exciting and interesting and brave and bold. And because of all of that, I do get to come up with my own definition of what a family is. All of which is exciting given that I typically hate convention. And I have no doubt in my mind that I will love my baby enough for both of us, but some moments are hard, and this was one of them.
Nothing can change that.
So because I am action oriented, please do me a favor.
If you have a supportive partner, someone that has been there for better or worse, when you are done reading this, shut off the computer, or put down the blackberry, or put the iphone away for the night. Turn to them and please make sure they know how much you love them. If you are reading this while at work, call them or make sure to tell them as soon as you get home.
I know that when I find the man that will love my daughter and I unconditionally, I won’t ever let the sun set without telling him how thankful I am that he is in my life – and tonight, I really am looking forward to finding that person.
Until then, I will do everything I can to make sure my love is more than enough. With all of your help of course.